August 2009
30 posts
“The picture on the cover shows my dad during one of his happier days.”
– He’s dressed up to be the best man at my uncle Johnny’s wedding. Both of them loved the Austin Mini he’s standing next to and I think they formed a bond over those cute little cars. They spent a lot of time together working on mechanical things and my dad even learned sign language (Johnny’s...
Chapter One. I Love Me
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
Oscar Wilde
This book is about unconditional love, and unconditional love is something you give. You don’t fall in it, get it at first sight or meet it in a cafe one rainy afternoon… If you’re looking for love, you never find it. If you try to take it, it evaporates. If you think it’s out there waiting for you, it’s not. If you think...
Two. Limerence
Being in love doesn’t mean loving.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Getting to the roots of our selfishness takes a mighty effort. Everybody’s playing the same game and it’s so easy to go with whatever makes you happy. But as time goes by, you find yourself more alone, less fulfilled, and tired of the game. I say hate the game and don’t bother being a player. Work on the important...
Three. Flow
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Jesus
Okay, here’s the revolution. I think the best way to live is:
loving yourself and knowing who you are
(identity)
developing something amazing with your life
(creativity)
consistently giving this amazingness away to other people
(generosity)
allowing the love you give to move through you, meeting your...
Four. Love and Happiness
I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.
Maya Angelo
Is it actually better to give than to receive? Really? Does bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, and enduring all things in a relationship make that a great relationship? Bottom line, will loving other people for their sake really make you happier? I mean, I’m basing my whole...
Five. I love you
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
When you get the foundations right (dealing with selfishness and attractions and building on unconditional love), you’re ready to start the long process of deepening your relationships. The next eight chapters will look at the main tensions you’ll face over the years of that development. It’s not that I...
Six. Commitment
…till death do us part, or something else, we’ll see…
The next eight chapters will focus on relational land-mines, issues that will blow up in our faces if we don’t understand what they’re about and how to defuse them. The flip side is that if we go into a relationship aware of these things, we can turn them into strengths. We don’t grow in the absence of conflict and we can’t run...
Seven. Communication
Homer: Marge, I didn’t tell ‘em personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair!
Homer: Oh, you mean about you.
Greg Daniels (episode writer), The Simpsons
Over the years, I’ve studied and received tons of good advice on communication. I’ve also studied marketing and run numerous courses and workshops on the subject. In general, I’m a pretty good...
Eight. Needs
So please, love me do. Whoa, love me do.
The Beatles, 1962 (our needs are timeless)
We’ve already talked about how we have huge needs and selfishly try to get them met in relationships, which usually ends up killing the relationship. But in saying that, I want to stress that those needs aren’t wrong; it’s how we meet them that messes things up. We need love, provision, value, and a sense of...
Nine. Family
Families are the most complex set of relationships in the universe (I think). In general, I’ve noticed that people are either moving closer to their family or swiftly running from them. Your family has been the relational training ground of your life. What you experienced through them and observed about them has forged how you will one day respond when it’s your turn. For some people, this has...
Ten. Sex
But I don’t want to go home alone tonight - I want you.
DJ Jose, “Physical Attraction” - smarmy!
Men and women are very different. No, I mean really different. I did the math on this once and figured that at the maximum, a woman can have around 70 children. The world’s record is somewhere between 55 and 69 depending on your sources. On the other hand, we have no clear records of how...
Eleven. Money
Everybody needs money! That’s why they call it money!
David Mamet, Heist
When you’re young, money isn’t that big of a deal, ‘cause you’re spending someone else’s. When you get a job, it’s still fun and games because now you have even more to play with. But at some stage you grow up, like with house payments or medical bills. All this is kind of daunting for the teenager cum adult, but then...
Twelve. Abuse
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where the wife is wrong.
Archie Bunker, All in the Family
There’s an old saying that “the woman keeps the home fires burning”. It’s a romantic reference to how well a woman can cook and keep a homely environment ready for her man. Sweet, eh? The original saying comes from the Roman practice of...
Thirteen. Everything at once
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you… Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it
Rudyard Kipling, - If
As men, we generally consider ourselves to be strong. We can move boxes and stuff. But when it comes to relationships, I’m always amazed at my lack of stamina. I can usually deal with any one of the last seven issues I’ve...
Fourteen. Laying better foundations
The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.
Frederick Buechner
I repeat: Unconditional love is something we create. It’s come from the Divine, it flows through us, and our needs get met as we give this love to others. So far so good. We’ve addressed a number of issues and...
Fifteen. Practicing with God
The spiritual life does not remove us from the world but leads us deeper into it.
Henri J. M. Nouwen
I need one consistent person in my life to whom I can relate. A person who gives me a steady bearing. A person who will challenge me and accept me at the same time. A person who never changes and yet is dynamic enough to excite my soul. I need someone I can talk my head off to and still be...
Sixteen. Practicing with family
A lot of people jump into a new relationship as a way of trying to move past the pain and complexity of their own families. Like, “maybe this time things will be better”. It’s amazing to look at the speed in which people leave their families behind and the distance they add as a buffer between them. This may not be you, but perhaps you could ask yourself: “Am I moving towards my parents with my...
Seventeen. Practicing in your neighborhood
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
Margaret Mead
I need to start this chapter with a confession. I truly suck at being a good neighbor. I’ve been to 30 nations serving people I’ve never met, but I am terrified of going next door. I’ve given the last 27 years as a full-time volunteer to teach and train...
Eighteen. Practicing with your best friends
I’ve said a bazillion times that a great relationship is built on unconditional love. And the best way I know to achieve that is by being an amazing friend, in a group of friends, connected to families. Being dedicated, creative, daring, and completely committed to the other person’s well-being, with or without you in their future. Which means you have boundaries in the friendship so you don’t...
Nineteen. A letter to Jordan
…Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand, to be loved as to love;
Francis of Assisi
My son Jordan had just turned 18 and had the wonderful opportunity to work on the feature film 10,000 BC while they were shooting in Namibia. He had flown there from NZ full of excitement to continue his homemade education as a director. A couple of...