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start a conversation, start a revolution
in the way we do relationships.
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“ The picture on the cover shows my dad during one of his happier days.
— He’s dressed up to be the best man at my uncle Johnny’s wedding. Both of them loved the Austin Mini he’s standing next to and I think they formed a bond over those cute little cars. They spent a lot of time together working on mechanical things and my dad even learned sign language (Johnny’s deaf) to communicate better. But I never really knew him like this. The person I saw was always stressed, always on his way to work.”
Chapter One. I Love Me
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
Oscar Wilde
This book is about unconditional love, and unconditional love is something you give. You don’t fall in it, get it at first sight or meet it in a cafe one rainy afternoon… If you’re looking for love, you never find it. If you try to take it, it evaporates. If you think it’s out there waiting for you, it’s not. If you think it’s been planned for you, it hasn’t. I’m sorry, but love can only be unconditionally created and given away, and this is the most amazing challenge on the planet. This kind of love heals and restores and blesses and fulfills anyone daring enough to have a go. On the other hand, anything less than unconditional love is a relationship that’s slowly failing. And there’s way too much relational failure going on. If you want to explore this, then read on. If you’re looking for something easier, there are plenty of other books available about how great you are and how to get your way in love.
So how did the selfish chart work for you?
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Two. Limerence
Being in love doesn’t mean loving.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Getting to the roots of our selfishness takes a mighty effort. Everybody’s playing the same game and it’s so easy to go with whatever makes you happy. But as time goes by, you find yourself more alone, less fulfilled, and tired of the game. I say hate the game and don’t bother being a player. Work on the important relationships in your life today (call your mom) and develop goodness in your neighborhood (mow someone’s lawn). Because once you learn to manage selfishness, you can move on to the next huge issue: attractions. You know how this works. You meet someone and you really like them. You think about them a lot and you feel different when you’re around them. The obsession is a little annoying and the awkwardness is kinda, well, awkward. But it still feels good for some strange reason. You tell yourself not to be so stupid, but continue to daydream about the possibilities… So far, that’s pretty normal, but what do the attractions really mean and what should you do about them?
For now, nothing.
So how are you managing attractions?
Three. Flow
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Jesus
Okay, here’s the revolution. I think the best way to live is:
- loving yourself and knowing who you are
- (identity)
- developing something amazing with your life
- (creativity)
- consistently giving this amazingness away to other people
- (generosity)
- allowing the love you give to move through you, meeting your own needs
- (flow)
The power of unconditional love is this: As you love others for their sake, it creates this incredible flow through your own life. When you love, provide for, and encourage others, your needs for love, provision, and value are fulfilled. If people respond (which they mostly do), then that’s icing on the cake, but the giving is adequate in itself.
Four. Love and Happiness
I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.
Maya Angelo
Is it actually better to give than to receive? Really? Does bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, and enduring all things in a relationship make that a great relationship? Bottom line, will loving other people for their sake really make you happier? I mean, I’m basing my whole life on the idea that unconditional love is not only possible, it’s actually better (happier, healthier…) than being self-centered. So this stuff had better be true.
Turns out that it is.
Will loving other people for their sake really make you happier?
Five. I love you
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
When you get the foundations right (dealing with selfishness and attractions and building on unconditional love), you’re ready to start the long process of deepening your relationships. The next eight chapters will look at the main tensions you’ll face over the years of that development. It’s not that I wanna focus on the negative stuff, but if we don’t face the demons, they’ll haunt and erode the whole affair. We also need to face our naivety about ourselves, our blind spots, and the subtle ways we undermine our own relational future. We have huge relational failure rates and yet do very little to actually change our selves as we move from relationship to relationship. How about we work on that?
Where are you in the relationships you’re developing?
